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You know I think I've almost convinced myself that I'm in control, but I'm not really. I'm a little bit in a psuedo-reality. Earlier today I had almost convinced myself that I'd imagined it all. Almost reached for the phone to call Dad. I'm embarrassed about it, but I flipped out on Sunday. We were going to meet the J-family and maybe do some shopping or have a coffee down the beach. I really thought I was OK - hell I'd even put on a sundress. And I was OK for about 20 minutes - but suddenly in a shop I felt like I couldn't breathe and I just had to get out. I know it upset my family but I couldn't help it. I waited in the car until everyone came back and then the Boy sensibly dropped me off at our apartment and took everyone else to J-mums. In the middle of the afternoon I crashed out and slept for about 9 hours. But I was still tired when I woke up. I can't really seem to shake the tiredness. I have moments of normal, then find myself staring at the wall. One minute I'm fine - the next nauseous or in tears. It's the little things that set me off. I noticed that in my email software no more mails will be going into my "Dad" folder. I go online and discover it's Father's Day. I hear a song with the word "Dad" in it and reach for the tissues. What makes me so sad is the stuff we hadn't got around to sharing yet. Dad was only 56. He won't be able to burp my babies, he won't see us play live (and lie about liking our songs even though he hasn't bought a record since 1976). He never got to meet the Boy in person, although they did sometimes have weird conversations on the phone (Dad tried hard to use every Japanese word he knew - unfortunately he only knew about 5). I can't ring him up anymore and argue about the problems of the world, or just to chat about what I'd been up to. I can't tell him how it all turns out. And that is what breaks my heart the most. No-one is going to call me Spoggy anymore. That was my Dad's nickname for me. He would tell everyone how when I was born and he saw me for the first time I had these enormous feet. Funny as now I fit Japanese sized shoes. Of course I would pretend to be mortified if he called me that in public - but that was just part of the fun of it. It was our joke - trivial sounding as it is. So many people have been so wonderful over the past couple of days. The Boy has really surprised me as he has never experienced it himself. He's just trying to work around however I am at the time. He tries to distract me with silly fun things, but when I go silent he knows not to talk but just touch me. It upsets him to see me cry, but to my surprise he is also upset at my Dad's passing. For him it's a big regret that he never met him face to face. Thanks to everyone who has called or mailed, thanks Tracey for coming over on Saturday and bringing me happy flowers and drinking wine and cooking me dinner - even when I told you not to trouble yourself to come down (^^). I guess too that in my sharing my loss with my family and friends there are people's own feelings about loss and relationships to consider. Most people have felt that whatever they say is cliched and useless. And you know it is, but it isn't. It has really helped just knowing the emotion behind what words clumsily express. And it's the reaching out that is more comforting than the words. But if I don't answer the phone for the next couple of days, please forgive me. I just can't seem to bring myself to talk on the phone - which is odd because I can chat online - and obviously write copious amounts - but right now I go into a panic attack when it rings. I can't hide my tears on the phone. It's too....close. I can't take a step back and think. It takes too much energy. And now I forget where I was going with all of this, but that's OK because that's what it's like inside my head right now. My train of thoughts is like the Chuo line on a rainy day, stops and starts, and dropping off to sleep and the occasional chucking up. I think what I originally wanted to say is that I'm trying really hard and I am OK. I'm going to be a little weird for a while as I work through all this stuff. I'm not finding it too easy to laugh and I get upset and lose my temper a lot (well more than usual). I will lose the thread of a conversation. One minute I'm hiding under my pillows, and the next working like a maniac. Actually if you've read down this far you'll have realized that I'm not actually OK. But I will be. It's just going to take a shit load of patience and some time.

• MJ, thank you for sharing such intimate and human feelings. Brought tears to my eyes. I don’t know what else to say other than your post will be with me for quite some time. I send you strength.

  mie
  04/06/22 09:36 AM

• Babe, all of this is normal (yes even the panic attacks) but it is all a part of the process.  Most of it you have to go through in your own head but you are far from alone. You can feel through your blog that there are people all over the world sending you love and support. Take all the time you need.

  (More clumsy words but you know what I mean..  don’t you!!) 

  *Hugs*

  GG
  04/06/22 11:58 AM

• Yep, as someone who is one week into her counselling course, I can tell you with complete confidence that GG is right, and all this is completely normal!  Feel free to be not actually OK for as long (and as often) as you need to.  And if you need anything in the counselling department, i have this great little textbook that is hardback, much heavier than it looks, and with really sharp pointy corners that would be great to take on the train with you…or taking people out on the train…

  j-ster
  04/06/22 03:24 PM

• You and your family are in our thoughts.  We love you and we know you will get through this with the strength and conviction that you have in you.  If there is anything I can do to help, please don’t hesitate to ask.

  gen
  04/06/22 03:42 PM

• I lost my job 10 months ago.  I used to read your blog everyday before work.  I have not looked in on it since.  Something told me to look at it tonight.  I am so very sorry for your loss.  I know that no one can know what you are feeling until they have been through it.  I give you my condolences but I know only time will make it easier.  I have a lot of friends who lost their parents along the way.  I have asked them if you ever get over it.  Their reply is that you never get over it, you learn to live with it.  My own Father is deep into Alzheimers.  He is 86 years old.  I go see him every week end.  I don’t know if I would have rather lost him earlier.  Life is not fair.  All you can do is love your Father and remember him as he was. As long as you do that, he will still be alive inside of you.  God bless you and help you with your pain.  You will be in my prayers.

  Dave
  04/06/23 02:06 PM

• I’m very sorry to hear about losing your father.  Losing a family member is always painful, but I’m sure that losing a parent is even more so.  Unfortunately I don’t think there are prescribed formulas to help you through this time, but it is very important to take care of yourself and get ample amounts of sleep and food.  I wish you peace in your time of grieving.

  drh
  04/06/24 01:31 PM

• MJ,
  I wanted to send you an email, but then again, I didn’t want to remind you of the pain through that email.  Hence I have decided to leave my sincere condolences and prayers for you under this post.  Perhaps then, it wont spring at you when you are not ready to think about your painful loss again. 
  I am sorry I didn’t write earlier, though I had been checking your blog regularly, wondering if there was any way I could help, though you don’t know me too well, and we met only once, and everything… But as an ardent reader of your blog, I was extremely touched that you chose to share your pain with us. 
  I shall light a candle for your father, when I visit the monastery next.  And two more for your pain, that you may find the strength to make peace with your loss.  May the light heal your soul and send you our love. 
  -KC and M

  KC
  04/06/25 04:31 PM

• Thanks everyone for your kind words. I appreciate you taking the time to leave a comment for me.

  It was a very hard post to write, but I did feel much better afterwards.

  mj
  04/06/25 04:49 PM

• MJ,
  Hang in there.

  Gary
  04/06/30 02:51 PM

• MJ, please accept my deepest condolences. It’s heart-wrenching to loose family. I speak from personal experience, having lost my grandfather in August and my great aunt in February. Both times I continued to stay in Japan. The healing process takes time - to remember and reflect. Stay strong.

  Ando
  04/07/12 11:15 AM

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